For the last few weeks I’ve had that 90’s commercial “this
is your brain on drugs…”, on my mind. When the doc shows you a CT scan of your
compressed brains expanded ventricles with 3x as much fluid in your skull as should be
there, I couldn’t help thinking, “that’s my brain on a cyst.” 6 days in the
neuro ICU, 3 CT scans, 2 MRI’s, 1 ECHO, EKG, and ultrasound later, I was released from
Harborview into the hands of loving family. The days leading up to this week were curious.
The Spiritual/Physical
Road to Friday, October 30th
This summer was a packed one. It flew by and a lot of great
and hard things occurred. I didn’t even realize that the spiritual/emotional toll
on my body had been tremendous. Even after an incredible stay in Kona with my
cousins, I was still tired. Daily reading the bible and even praying proved
difficult. When the student’s school year started in September, I hardly felt ready- still focusing on what I saw as personal shortcomings in ministry.
Somehow, at some point, my eyes shifted from God’s Kingdom to David Piper’s. It
would take some weeks (if not longer) to realize what had happened and why my
passion had all but disappeared. Let’s just say I’m so thankful for a
courageous wife and long time mentor that both love the Lord and myself. God
had already done surgery on my heart by the time I preached on Psalm 2 at DCC
on October 11th, and I was excited for the future. As my joy in the
Lord was renewed, so did the passion for building His Kingdom.
In the two+ months leading up to Harborview, I began getting
dizzy spells nearly every time I stood up… that or temporarily losing vision. I
mean, I would get up from my office chair and say hello to you because I knew
you were there in the doorway, but I was seeing double or even nothing at all.
It took a while to really notice it and even longer to stop dismissing it as
something life or sleep related. When I went in to get a few warts frozen (gross,
sorry) I began to share that with my doctor who gave me some advice to follow
regarding what he thought it was. The following Monday (10/26) when I came back
in after following his instructions and still having the same symptoms, I asked
for a CT scan after sharing the Christian gospel. He agreed and my slot was
booked in for Friday morning.
During the time leading up to the initial scan, I truly feel
like I was being prepared for its results. On Tuesday I got to share about the then confidential CT scan with an elder
at DCC who prayed for me. Wednesday saw me share with a medically trained
colleague about my lighthearted “plans” to quit my job and go into full time
evangelism if I had something truly insidious on my brain. On my Thursday off that week, I ran into a
beloved family friend and cancer patient who I had been meaning to spend time
with for months at SARC. We ended up spending the day together where I had a
glimpse of what life could look like. Before Friday had even arrived, I knew
that whatever its outcome, I was going to thank the sovereign creator of the
earth for His plans in my life. When I got out of the multi-million dollar CT machine
on Friday for the first time in Sequim, the radiologist didn’t let anything on.
I went home unsure of what to check next, half-kicking myself for being such an
alarmist.
When the phone rang around 4pm that day with an energized
nurse telling me I needed to head either straight to the ER at Olympic Memorial
Hospital or Harborview as there was a 6x6x8mm mass in my brain, it was almost a
relief. The same nurse that broke the news to Lauren, told her that she didn’t
understand how I was still functioning with all that pressure on my brain.
That first night was a long one. It came complete with an
undesired (but required) ambulance ride from Olympic Memorial to Harborview, a
ride that let me share Jesus to support crew. *Just a side note, but when you have a mass in your brain, you do no
waiting in line of any kind. That was a nice bonus*. For the next few days
I had visitors, watched Allblacks rugby and Seahawks football as nurses/doctors
poked and prodded me. Later on Sunday the surgery was scheduled and it was then
for the first time that night that I got a little emotional as I held Lauren in
my hospital bed. On Monday afternoon I underwent the shunt surgery that would
see a permanent pump installed into one of my ventricles with the tube leading
into the ‘open space’ in my abdomen. The surgeons noted my tremendous brain
pressure, but the relatively short surgery was a success. I was talking again
that night and walking by morning.
Above: Fresh out of surgery, still under anesthesia.
Above: A little out of it.
Collapse
Tuesday morning came around and I felt fantastic. I was
mentally alert and almost ‘all there’. With a plate of bacon and sausage in
front of me, I felt ready to tackle anything. I knew a nurse had just given me
strong painkillers so I made a welcome video for my wonderful parents/brother
in law who would be in shortly, just in case I got weird. And weird I got…
I was initially doing so well my discharge orders were all
but completed. I started not feeling so hot around lunchtime and by the early
afternoon I collapsed walking in the hallway at the ICU next to my wife who
helped assist my limp body to the ground. Waking up on the ground completely
disillusioned and surrounded by doctors (a second for me in this lifetime),
they proceeded to do emergency checks on my body with an additional MRI and CT
scan. I thought this might have been my last day on earth as the color left my
body and it felt as if my heart/body was actually shutting down. Medicated yet
awake, I remember being confused. How could some of the things spoken over my
life come true if this was it? Maybe I had heard wrong? I told my family I
loved them and then asked God to make it quick if this was the plan. It was a
dark night.
Rise
Waking Wednesday morning, my nurse told me I looked like “death
warmed over,” the previous night and I saw the emotional toll the evening had
taken on those who were with me. Wednesday saw more tests that proved
inconclusive, but my vitals were stable and I felt stable. Sleeping in the ICU
with all of its bells and whistles going off is quite the task. When I did finally get to sleep I had a drug induced nightmare that saw me jump out of my
bed like a crazy person and made a start towards the door to “get help.” Lauren
was able to calm me as I realized it was just a dream. I got back into bed but
didn’t sleep. On Thursday night I was discharged after I was able to walk with
my walker around the halls without passing out (like a big boy). My dad drove
me home in his big comfy Lincoln that night with my mom and wife. That first
shower in a week before climbing into my own bed was absolutely incredible.
Current
Today I’m able to walk around the house unaided and
communicate nearly all that’s on my mind. Reading has been difficult, but
listening to and discovering new music that honors Christ has been soothing. The
‘fog’ that I have been in has receded some (much like my hairline) but I’m
still not out of the woods, so to speak. On Tuesday, we were close to heading
back to the ER as I was having great pains near the surgical site in my abdomen
after being pain free for the previous two days. Now (Friday) the pain is minor
and I look forward to the day when I can get back to work. I still operate in
slow motion and my balance isn’t the best, but overall I feel much better. I’ve
also been the recipient of your tremendous love. The outpouring you gave was
overwhelming. Thank you.
Future
On November 24th, the surgeon in Seattle will
remove the sutures and I will also meet with the world’s expert on parasites in
the brain. Doctors looking at my CT/MRI scans said what’s in me could either be
a cyst or a benign tumor... it’s inconclusive as of
now. A possible theory is that at one point I had a parasite that left a slow
growing cyst in my brain. These creatures aren’t normally found in the United States, but because
of my travels, it's plausible I could have had one at some point (I've been very sick from food poisoning in Cambodia,
Guatemala and Fiji). Whatever the outcome, there is still Kingdom work for me to
do on earth and I look forward to returning to wider society to proclaim that
God, revealed in Jesus, is LOVE- despite there being natural and moral evil(s) that occur on Earth. I firmly believe that God uses everything in the believer’s life for
good, regardless if it is seen in their own lifetime.
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The night before surgery, Lauren and I repeatedly watched the video below. Music has really helped the healing process.
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