Sunday, May 2, 2010
Above: Laidlaws International Students.
Caution: A lot of brutal honesty below and I'm exhausted soooo....
After weeks of praying and being prayed over, God broke through to my heart. A conversation and a Bible verse out of nowhere led me to worship quietly in my study cubicle at Laidlaws Library. Dreaming of the day when I could pack up and leave, something inside of me clicked. I had been praying about staying in NZ or leaving as I have felt so overwhelmed by various things physical/spiritual/emotional (exhaustion from daily not sleeping well/consumed by study 7 days a week/ not having someone to share with because I had no time to develop friendships) that I briefly was ready to throw in the towel. This Friday God spoke to me in the Library. I was given a renewed passion and vision for my journey here. Long story short the word that came to mind was "persevere!" Growing up in school I would be frustrated by seeing students that were seemingly as smart (or perceivably less) attain higher grades and success etc. One of my large short comings is the ability to persevere amidst struggle. Alot of things came easy to understand the first time, but if it didn't, stupid pride/boredom/frustration would block me from pressing forward. I didn't realize that was a factor here until circumstances led me to that. It seems when we are at our wits end and all that is left is emotion are we exposed for what we are underneath the facade with which we try to cover up and hide from the world.... even from ourselves I suppose.
I was seriously thinking of moving out of here at the end of the year back to Guatemala or... where I felt God moving through me. I call this "instant gratification" now as being at school is my spiritual act of worship.I'm passionate about evangelism and the marginalized but I can't jump to that when life in NZ loses it's flavor etc , it's time to push on.
Solomon asked for wisdom and He was blessed. I echoed this very sentiment until Friday when it dawned on me that Solomon and I are two different people(wow! deep I know!) with different struggles. Potentially at one stage he lacked wisdom and asked for it and was given in abundance- What I need and needed to ask the Lord for is perseverance. In the Library, I asked the Lord and now I feel a tremendous sense of peace. I just felt so much fatherly love come down. God has called me to New Zealand to study for 3 years. Im at Laidlaw in this season and I MUST remain faithful. This is the battle I must fight. Part of my question to Him was , "should I even be here" - and now it's clear and my strength is rooted in that. So much other great stuff happened on Friday but I'm exhausted now and it's time for bed. I don't have the funds to continue next semester so please pray that I get a job! This Friday JH Youth group starts for the first time at Avondale Baptist, pray for me and this launch date. Also for balance in my life. Exciting times.
Personal thanks to the Godly women on my prayer team +My Dad and Mom that have been walking with me via Skype. Your prayers are hugely appreciated. 5:30 pm Thursday (your time) is when it all became clear.